(Rev. Bruinsma is pastor of Kalamazoo Protestant Reformed Church in Kalamazoo, Michigan.)
Marriage is an honorable state. It was instituted by God at the time of the creation of the woman. The purpose of God in marriage is to give the believing man and his wife an earthly means by which they can experience with each other the great love and friendship that exist between Christ and His church. This is that mystery which only those who are in Christ can discover in their marriage. Marriage is a covenant bond that symbolizes the unbreakable union of Christ and His church.
But if the purpose of God in our marriages is to discover this blessed bond of friendship, then we must be careful whom we choose to be our husband and wife. If we marry an unbeliever, that intimate bond of love will elude us, and our marriage will become a sore burden rather than a life of joy and happiness. This is why it is so important to think about this before we marry! We wrote this at the outset, and we repeat it now: a good marriage does not simply fall from the sky! To have a spiritually strong marriage means we must take seriously our calling to search out a godly spouse! To have joy in marriage means we must find a sincere, God-fearing wife or husband.
That means we ought to have a proper understanding of dating or courtship. This is true of us as parents, first of all. The children God has given us are His children. Our children are the heritage of God to us. Parents, therefore, are obliged to guide their children into a sanctified view of courtship. At the same time, however, young people themselves ought to be busy exerting themselves in the pursuit of proper behavior in this area of life. Both parents and children do well to reexamine this institution that has come to be known as dating.
I approach this subject with some reluctance. Not because I have not dealt with the subject before, but because the conclusions to which I have come do not seem to meet with the accepted norm of dating as it has been practiced among us in the past couple of generations. Because of that, some readers will not give these articles very serious consideration and will continue in the direction that has been set for us by our society. Some young people will snicker and think that the views of these articles are antiquated and irrelevant for today's modern generation. But maybe a few parents will reconsider what they have been allowing their sons and daughters to do, and direct them in a better path. At the least I hope these articles will challenge all of us, parents and young people alike, to make serious evaluation of our modern practices of Christian courtship! After all, certainly all of us want to establish a spiritually strong marriage and home!
Long before our children have reached the age of dating, parents must determine the goal behind this function. Why will we allow our son or daughter to "go out with" someone on a date? What must be our and their goal in dating? Is the goal of dating simply to have good times with persons of the opposite sex? Is it the freedom to have no responsibilities, make no commitments, but just "hang loose" with a girl or a guy? Such, of course, is what our modern society has come to make of dating. It is a game-the "dating game." Men and women of all ages love to play the game, it seems. In fact, it has become the seedbed of all kinds of immorality and irresponsible living. Proof for this is found in the books, magazines, and television programs which are a reflection of and have a major influence upon our society. The wicked, unbelieving world has succeeded well in distorting our thinking as to the true goal of dating.
Before parents allow their children to date, it is important to instill in them a deep understanding of the spiritual goal of such an action. Dating is courtship. The name has been changed to take away the serious implications of this activity in a person's life, but that does not change the fact: dating is courtship. In other words, the goal of dating is to find someone to marry! Dating is a means which a person uses prayerfully to search for a spouse! It is a means by which a man and woman are able to learn to know each other to ascertain whether God has indeed intended them to spend a lifetime together in marriage. That is the godly goal of dating. It is not an empty game with no meaning. It is a means God has given us to seek and find a godly mate. What this implies we will consider in a future article.
If the goal of dating or courtship is marriage, then its purpose it to learn to love the one we have chosen to date. Sometimes we find (either immediately or after we have dated for awhile) that the person we are dating is not the one God has meant for us. Then we certainly must terminate the relationship. But neither is this done frivolously and just because it does not "feel" right. Learning to love another person takes time and takes work. Contrary to popular opinion, a man and woman do not just "fall in love." True love between a man and a woman-the love that will bind them into one flesh in marriage-takes time and effort. A person learns this kind of love.
Again, this is where the unbelieving world has destroyed the proper conception of love. The "love" on which the vast majority of unbelievers build their marriages in our modern society is nothing more than lust. They have a sexual attraction toward each other-one to which they have given full vent before marriage, and one that they think will unite them for a lifetime after marriage. At the time the Bible was written, marriages in the Greek and Roman society were based on this same kind of "love." The Greeks even had a term for it. They called it eros. In our English language this Greek term is used too. We see it in such terms as "erotic." This type of love is nothing more than the sensual, sexual lust that arises out of one's base desires. It is the type of "love" (lust) that gives rise to fornication, adultery, homosexuality, and other gross sins of this nature. The Bible nowhere uses the term eros to describe love or any other type of proper affection of one person toward another.
Especially since the sexual revolution of the 1960s this perverted, twisted idea of love has come to dominate our society. This is why premarital sex is not only excused but lauded as a necessary act if one is to know whether he "loves" the person he is dating. It is little wonder that our society is plagued with divorce and remarriage! People are falling into and out of love all the time! This kind of love does not take time or work! And that is because their love is nothing more than lust! Certainly, it is not this type of love we must learn of one another when dating! In fact, if this is the type of love we seek, if the reason we date is to gain carnal knowledge of another, then our future marriages (even if we finally marry for the right reason) will be threatened! What a threat to the bond of love in marriage if in the back of one's mind there always lurks the erotic knowledge he had of others when he was dating them! Fornication in dating is condemned out of hand by the Word of God! "Flee fornication!" we are told (I Cor. 6:18). Why? Because the bond of marriage cannot be founded upon the lust that is unleashed in fornication!
A good marriage does not come by chance. A good marriage is firmly grounded on a love discovered and pursued during courtship. That love is not fallen into. It is cultivated and nurtured while dating. And it continues to blossom and grow before and after marriage. What love is that? It is the love that can be found within God's triune Self. It is the love which binds the three persons of the Trinity together in a bond of perfectness. It is that love which God has shown toward us in Christ-a love that sent Christ to the cross to die for us. It is a love that God has shed abroad in the hearts of His people. It is that love which binds the church, the bride of Jesus Christ, together with her Bridegroom in an everlasting bond. That is the love we must discover and nurture while dating. That is the purpose of courtship within the covenant! We are to discover the same friendship with that person we date that we have with our God! Is that a lust-filled, sensual, fornicating love? What? The very thought of loving God in that way repels us! Then it ought to repel us in the relationship we nurture in our dating life as well!
The love we must seek and cultivate is that love which holds the other in highest esteem as one worthy of our respect and admiration. Such love implies knowledge! It is rooted not in the ever-changing emotions and feelings of our desires but in the stable and well-grounded knowledge and understanding of our reasoning. The purpose of dating is to discover that kind of love! In other words, we must use our dating to get to know each other. A man and woman must discover what is the spiritual makeup and character of the person they are courting. They must discover the flaws and strengths of the other's character. They must inquire deeply into the spiritual qualities of that person. They must examine and search out what makes that person who she is. Is she the kind of woman who will love me and care for me and my children the way that I believe she should? Will she in my absence guide my home and instruct my children the way I would if I were there? Is this the kind of man that will support me and my children? Will he be the spiritual head that I need to lean on? Will he insist by instruction and discipline that my family will be led in the way of God's Word?
How many young couples ask these questions when they are dating? How many diligently search into these matters in an attempt to know and love the person they court?
So many young men and women rush into marriage without taking time to discover who the person really is that they are marrying. They feel this sudden infatuation, this sudden giddiness, this sudden gush of emotion. They feel a sexual attraction toward another person and they right away think: "it's love!" They then hurry into marriage, expecting that this fairy tale love will last them a life-time! But they have failed to discover who it is that they are really marrying. Then in a year or so (maybe it takes a few years) they find out that they did not really know that person or love that person. Some of these marriages by God's grace remain intact, since God after marriage leads these couples through much turmoil and pain into that true love they should have had before marrying. Most of these marriages are trashed because the couple has no love for God and His Word, much less a love for each other!
A person ought not to date until he or she well understands that the goal of dating from the start is marriage. Neither ought that person to date until he or she understands that the purpose of courtship is to learn to know and esteem the other as one's closest friend, and in that way to love him or her.
We will discuss the practical implications of this in the next article.
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Dating, or courtship, is a serious matter! It is not a popularity contest to see how many girls or guys one can go out with. It is not a game to see how far one can go sexually without going all the way. Neither is it a means which one uses simply to have fun with a person (believer or unbeliever) without any commitments or responsibilities. Dating is not a game! On the contrary, dating is courtship. It is a means which a person uses prayerfully to seek out a spouse. It is to be used by a man and woman solely for the purpose of ascertaining whether God has intended them to spend a lifetime together in marriage. That is the godly goal of dating or courtship.
If this is truly the purpose or goal of dating, however, then it carries with it some very practical implications for our dating life. These we consider in this and the next couple of articles. As we do, keep in mind that we are not using the standard that is set for us by the wicked society in which we live. We do not follow after the example or the advice unbelievers give us in this area of our lives. We are Christians-followers of Christ. We therefore follow the norm of Scripture. We are believers whose dating life is governed by the covenant which God has established with us. The bond of friendship God establishes with His people in Christ has much to say about dating. How so? Consider the following.
God's covenant relationship with His people has much to say about who takes the lead in dating. We have already learned in previous articles that the covenant relationship which God establishes with His church is described in Scripture as a marriage relationship (e.g., Is. 62:4, 5). We need not demonstrate that again. The question we wish to consider is: who sought out whom in this relationship? Did the church, the bride, seek out God or Christ, the bridegroom? Or did God search out His bride in this world?
The answer is clear from Scripture: God seeks and saves His church! This is firmly established in eternity already in the counsel of God. God who is the eternal One, in order to bring glory to His name, determined to share His fellowship with the creature outside of Himself. To accomplish this goal God elected Christ as the firstborn among His people (Col. 1:15-17). Only upon this election of Christ follows the election of the church (Col. 1:18). In eternity already, therefore, we find the bridegroom (God) choosing unto Himself in Christ His bride (the church).
But what is firmly rooted in eternity is even more clearly revealed in time. When Adam
and Eve fell into sin, this affected the entire human race, including God's elect.
"… for we have before proved both Jews and Gentiles, that they are all under
sin" (Rom.
3:9). When God looks down from heaven to assess the children of men, to see if there
are any that understand and seek Him ( Ps. 14), this is
what He finds: "there is none righteous, no, not one: there is none that
understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God" (Rom. 3:10, 11).
This is true of God's elect, too, prior to salvation. We are children of wrath even as
others. But God seeks out His people in this world. Jesus speaks of this in Luke 19:10,
"For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost." The divine
Bridegroom seeks His wife. This is described most beautifully in Ezekiel 16.
It is profitable to read the entire passage, but a quotation of verses 4-8 here will
suffice.
And as for thy nativity, in the day that thou wast born thy navel was not cut, neither wast thou washed in water to supple thee; thou wast not salted at all, nor swaddled at all. None eye pitied thee, to do any of these unto thee, to have compassion upon thee; but thou wast cast out in the open field, to the loathing of thy person, in the day that thou wast born. And when I passed by thee, and saw thee in thine own blood, I said unto thee, Live. I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare. Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord God, and thou becamest mine.
This is the divine example we are given in Scripture.
This example must govern us in our dating life: the man is called by God to seek a wife. Already in this approach to courtship we find an all-important principle being established which later will be exercised in marriage itself. The husband is called to exercise headship in his marriage. Contrary to the cry of alarm sounded by the feminists, this is not chauvinistic! It is proper! And it is only logical too! If the man is going to assume headship in his home as Scripture commands him to do, then that headship is not something turned on like a light-switch on the day of his marriage. It is exercised from the very start. It begins with a man searching out a wife and continues on into the dating relationship and finally into marriage itself.
This role of the man seeking a wife is also scriptural. We need only look at the examples of godly men of old. Abraham sent a servant to Haran to find a wife for Isaac ( Gen. 24). The opposite was not true: Rebekah did not come seeking Isaac. Jacob too was charged by Isaac with these words, "Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padanaram to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother's brother" (Gen. 28:1, 2). Prior to the Flood we also read of "the sons of God" taking the lead in seeking to themselves wives. We read in Genesis 6:1, 2: "And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and took them wives of all which they chose." The sons of the church sinned, of course, by marrying ungodly wives-but not by taking the lead in seeking out wives for themselves.
Other passages of Scripture simply assume that it is the man who seeks and finds for himself a wife. Proverbs 18:22: "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord." Proverbs 31:10: "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 18:19: "There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent on a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid."
This is the knowledge God's Word gives to us about a man's role in dating. But knowledge is not wisdom. We can know what God's Word says, yet not be very wise in God's Word. Spiritual wisdom is the ability to put the knowledge we have of God's Word into effect practically in our lives. It is also the ability to discern what might dictate against God's Word in a small but subtle way. We say this because there has definitely been worldly influence on us in this whole area of dating. We do not always detect this because Satan is pretty shrewd when dealing with the church. Yet, there is something appealing to us too about that free, independent woman. The world makes her look so glamorous.
The sinful trends of feminism today are glaring! Feminists make their voices heard in politics and in society. We cringe when we hear of their agenda! But the views of feminists have made their way also into the media. Their doctrine of the supremacy (not equality) of the female gender creeps into the novels, magazines, and movies of today. And far too many of us sinfully enjoy reading about it and watching it. Yet, we assure ourselves, all of that is "out there" in the wicked world and we personally would not care to follow in this way. We are not affected by the feminist propaganda that pervades society. Are we sure about that?
Many churches today which at one time were solidly rooted in the Reformed truths of Scripture have come under the horrible influence of feminist thought. Women in church office and the career woman who gives her own children into the hands of day-care are just a couple of evidences of the horrible influences of feminism on the church. No wonder we witness so much divorce and remarriage in the church! Husbands and wives cohabit the same house, but do not care to depend on each other financially and emotionally. They live together but develop little interdependence. Yet, we contend, these things have not affected us as they have others. Maybe not to that degree as yet-of that we can be grateful. But do not forget how shrewd Satan is! Do not forget to be wise so that you are able to discern what his subtle attacks are on us! Feminism slowly but surely filters into the church. It trickles into the church in little, almost imperceptible, streams.
Who takes the lead in asking another out on a date? The young man, of course! Does he do that during "twerp week" too? "Come on! Don't be such a kill-joy! This is only done in fun!" Is dating ever supposed to be a game? Do we switch gender roles in courtship in order to make it fun? Are we as adults teaching our children wisdom and discretion in dating with such a frivolous practice?
Who calls whom when seriously desirous of finding a life's mate? The young man, of course! Are we teaching our children this when we allow our daughters (sometimes when they are thirteen or fourteen already!) to call young men on the phone to lay the "subtle" hint that they really like him and want to "go with" him? "Now you are going too far! We may not discourage our children by placing handcuffs on them in this whole area of their young lives. We did it when we were young and we turned out all right." We ought to ask ourselves a serious question in this connection. What are we teaching our children when we allow them to do this? Are we teaching them that courtship is an aspect of life which a person must always take seriously? If so, then parents must teach their children that there are certain rules in dating. We must not simply allow our children to follow after the standards set by our godless society. We must teach our children correct behavior in dating. That means we must instruct our sons to be willing to exert headship and our daughters to be adorned with a "meek and a quiet" spirit.
These, of course, are only a couple of examples. They may seem to be of little consequence. And maybe that is true. But then, they are only examples. It is not the intention of this article to call attention to particulars. They are mentioned only in order to stimulate our thinking about the significance of dating. Dating will set the course for one's whole future life in marriage. It is a serious matter when young men and women of the covenant and church of Christ date one another. If there is one thing Scripture is clear on it is this: every aspect of courting and marriage is of weighty significance. And, yes, that begins already in the matter of directing our young men to do the searching, and our young women to wait patiently on God to bring to them a man of His choosing.
Parents must exercise wisdom while guiding their children to establish a good marriage and family. The divorce rate even in the church is on the rise. Can we stem the tide? Scripture teaches what the calling of a young man and woman is in seeking a mate. God's covenant with His church lays a valuable foundation for us in this matter. A lifelong commitment in marriage is greatly assisted by following this Word of God. We know what God's Word tells us. But it is only the wise person who will take this Word in hand and put it to practical use in his life. May God give such wisdom to parents whose children are of age to date.
May God give wisdom to young men and women in the church to use His Word to guide them
in this important matter of dating. May we be bold to stand against the pressures of the
wicked world and society in which we live. God give us wisdom.
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